High School for Sale in Central Pennsylvania

red-lionA York, Pennsylvania high school is up for sale.  This ad appeared this past week on Craigslist:

Red Lion Area High School: Everything Must Go!

Hello potential buyer, As you may have heard, thanks in large part to local reports in early March, Red Lion Area School district has had greater money problems than Pete Rose in recent months. The recent cutbacks have been a reaction to the state working diligently to withhold funding from central Pennsylvania school districts. But while “the Wolves of Main Street” have been busy siphoning our students of their due education, we have decided to cut out the middle man. You see, rather than attempt to run in the future with less money provided to us, we have decided to just offload all our ungrateful students and sell our high school for a small loan of $2.1 million.Help us! We’re having a fire sale! Everything must go. We are willing to dismantle the freshman class for parts, but the junior students must be bought at wholesale. They are often overzealous, but will do work if prompted with extra credit. They may complain about their feeding time, yet they will run on simple slop.

Our teachers are among the best in the state, and are the pride of our school’s ecosystem. As such, they will be auctioned to the highest bidder. They work for essentially no compensation, so their labor will pay for itself in no time! These teachers are intelligent and hardworking. Several of them are even allowed to teach their students! If your district is short on professionals (perhaps due to one of those pesky strikes,) we will start each auction with a fair price! But be warned: after the past few days of curving Final grades, they have PTSD comparable to that of a war veteran.

This luxurious mansion features more than 100 bedrooms along with 40 baths. Our wonderful accommodations include a swimming pool, a world class dining facility (with an extended stainless steel island countertop), and one-of-a-kind artwork by local artistic visionaries. Do you like recreation? Because now you can have your very own home theatre! For those of you with an athletic predisposition, we also feature two tracks (indoor and out,) a fleet of tennis courts, a pair of basketball arenas, and our state-of-the-art football stadium. However, our renowned video scoreboard will not be available for purchase. It is valuable foremost to our hearts, and has been worth every last penny since the last was blown away by our own splendor.

We pride ourselves on the things that make Red Lion great. From our wonderful (and cheap) staff to our in-house fine dining establishments. From our lovely lavatories to our enchanting senior courtyard. We here at Red Lion are grateful to have called this building our home for the past twenty years (the time before that was a dark age), but in the interest of not simulating the 1929 stock market crash, we find we must commit our greatest asset to paper.

We thank you for your consideration, and an open house will be held at Horne Field at 7:00 PM on June 3rd, 2016. If you have any questions or concerns, please call our toll-free number at show contact info


Superduperintendant Dr. Dice Lee.

Now that’s a great senior prank!

One thought on “High School for Sale in Central Pennsylvania

Comments are closed.