- A sudden urge to correct everything and everyone all the time about every possible thing.
- A burning passion to convert everyone, especially your extremely godly parents WHO TAUGHT YOU THE BIBLE, to Calvinism.
- A growing level of arrogance that is directly inverse to the number of blog posts you write about humility.
- Constant cravings for cigars and microbrews, even though they make you incredibly sick.
- Deep-seated cynicism toward anyone who doesn’t take a hard stance on an issue, including but not limited to: free will, Calvinism, sports, coffee, the Trinity, capitalism, child schooling, and dating.
- The ability to bring every conversation full circle to Romans 9.
Inevitably arriving at the conclusion that John Calvin was not that strong of a Calvinist. At least, not as strong as you are.
Growing a beard, but not in a hipster way! This beard is WAY DIFFERENT from hipster beards, because it tapers to a point somewhere between the nipples, just like Calvin’s beard did.
If you or someone you know begins experiencing these symptoms, go to a pastor IMMEDIATELY. It won’t make the slightest bit of difference, because you were predestined to be a Calvinist, but still, you should probably see a pastor.
But don’t worry. After 5-6 years, these symptoms will subside and you or your loved one will return to being a mostly normal person.
HT: Scot McKnight at Jesus Creed